22 years, 364 days...

At the risk of sounding totally emo and treating this blog like a LiveJournal or Xanga (remember those?) this post has to do with the fact that tomorrow is my 23rd birthday. It's not any sort of milestone to turn 23 - I'm still 2 years away from being a quarter of a century old and 2 years past the chaos of turning 21. And yet for some reason, as I sit in my living room of this entirely too big apartment that I'm renting, staring at my blank (equally large) tv, I can't help but reflect on these past 22 years and 364 days of my life. What do I have to show for it? At this moment, I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am while at the same time feeling somewhat guilty for not appreciating that enough. Much of my teenage (+3) years have been consumed with materials things and self-preserving thoughts/actions. My life has always been me, me, me. So now that I've assured you that I'm a total brat, you're waiting for me to go on to say how this year will be different. You're waiting for the sentences about donating more to charity, not buying new outfits, eating out less, spending more time volunteering. While I might like to say that all of those things will be on my list of "to-dos for 23" there is a bigger picture here, I think. I'd like to have my 23rd year of life be focused on the "internal materials" if you will. I want to focus on where I put my heart, how I use my brain, where I focus my energy.

As I transition into my mid-twenties, I feel like it's finally time to grow up. Lately, I've caught myself still saying things like "oh when I grow up I will...I want to....I'll focus more on..." But that day has come. I am a grown-up, plain and simple. Grown ups don't whine when things don't go their way, they don't complain about getting up to go to work on Wednesday (because they do it everyday for the rest of their lives), they don't buy 7 inch heels and think "yes this is a practical purchase". I've often found myself reacting to situations around me in ways that I'm later embarrassed by. Grown ups take the time to think through situations before making rash decisions whether big or small.

I'm not the most patient person. I was expecting a package tonight (those 7 inch heels I mentioned earlier, so dumb) and I ran to the door every half hour checking to see if they had arrived even though I knew the UPS man would ring my doorbell when he arrived. When I make a decision about something, I like to act on it right away - whether it's a decision to take a trip, make a purchase, change jobs, accept a job, buy a car (yea, in 1 day)...the list goes on. More often than not, I find myself second guessing my decisions (buyers remorse) and more importantly my impatience.

These "internal materials" that I spoke about earlier feel a little off track lately. My heart has been filled with anxious feelings about relationships with my friends and family. My brain has been filled with frustrations from not understanding my purpose at work (or the actual work for that matter). My energies have been focused on me, me, me, what can I do that is good for me. Because I'm typically an impatient person, it is hard for me to take a step back and evaluate where I am, because I'm always moving forward (or is it backward) so quickly. Twenty-three feels like a good place to start making a change. As I begin to establish a new routine in my life outside of college, I feel like this is as good a time as any to press the restart button on my operating system.

With only an hour and forty twenty! minutes until I have to make good on this fresh start, I feel like I should start searching for some inspiration. I wonder if I am able to remove the ME from the equation and put my trust in something bigger than me, then maybe I'll be able to look back on 23 and find my impatience a thing of the past.

Hebrews 6:11-15 says "And we desire that each one of you show the same diligence so as to realize the full assurance of hope until the end, 12  so that you will not be sluggish, but imitators of those who through faith and patience inherit the promises.13  For when God made the promise to Abraham, since He could swear by no one greater, He swore by Himself,14  saying, "I will surely bless you and I will surely multiply you."15  And so, having patiently waited, he obtained the promise."

Ecclesiastes 7:8 says "The end of a matter is better than its beginning; Patience of spirit is better than haughtiness of spirit."


Psalm 62 says...

5 My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.

6 He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.

7 On God my salvation and my glory rest; 
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.

8 Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him; 

God is a refuge for us.